my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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