Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
