How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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