I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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