I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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