I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
