I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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