i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
