No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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