Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
