I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
