So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
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