So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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