My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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