Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
