nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
