well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
