I accidentally had phone sex last night
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
