Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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