hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
