Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
