HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
