i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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