trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
