i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
