she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
