1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
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Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
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Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood