I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We are two peas in an std pod
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
