I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
