Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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