The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
