Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My bed smells like the plague
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
