New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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