im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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