Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
