I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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