yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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