if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
