I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
