Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
