I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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