it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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