Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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