for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
