My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
