I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
