my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Im part way to drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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