you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
