That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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