It's Friday. Sex?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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