I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
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