I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
