Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
