Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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