I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
