ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
