the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
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My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth