well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
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You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
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Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions