you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
