i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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