The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
