Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
40s are totally the cure
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
