wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
