i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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